Thursday, January 5, 2012

It's already 4.

It's 3 in the morning. And my eyes still aren't shut tight. No, actually they're almost half closed, it's my mind that's not shutting down. I'd like to pipe down the voice in my head, wish I could but I can't. Have you wondered why is that so? Have you ever gone through lonely nights where you're extremely, extremely exhausted and sleepy, all you wanna do is lay on your soft bed, and snuggle under the warmth of your covers and just shut the world out? So you get comfie, absorb in the tingliness of being in bed, in your pyjamas, under the covers and the next thing you'd expect is a black out. Except for that annoying ray of light that's coming from your mental Phillips bulb. Darn it.
In the past, my lit teacher told me that, she rose up in the night just to write. Well. Honestly that's not the reason why I'm still awake at 3 in the mornin',

I just can't seem to find my peace of mind right now.

What exactly is bothering you right now?

I have no idea.

Seems like you do.

Touché. Where do I start? See, that's just the thing. I don't know where to even begin.

Take your time. No need to rush. You're not at war with yourself, nor are you competing with anybody else right now. Clear your mind, and try to find a plughole. 

When I was a kid... I was very much loved and adored by everyone who looked at me. I was the kinda kid that got everything she wanted, the latest toys, dollies, the latest roller blades (back then roller blades were like our Ipads now) I would sulk, pull the grumpiest ugliest face if I didn't get what I wanted. And it had to be the exact specific thing, not 'close enough' because 'close enough' was not acceptable. Yes, I was like that. Everything was prepared for me, everything was given to me. I had the privilege of 'taking' more than 'giving'. The scary thing is, I still have that kinda attitude today. That's what's scaring me. I'm still such a baby. I'm afraid I might not last 5 minutes outside.


The outside world. You know, out of my comfort zone. I'm too used to the things which I'm already familiar with.

So you think it's time for a change of scenery, perhaps?

I would. Perhaps. I like the idea of it. But maybe I'm just not ready to flap my wings and leave my nest just yet, I've not even had the chance to learn how to spread my wings, but-


Yeah, doc?

I am the voice in your head. I'm not real. But the only thing that's real here, is you. Sooner or later, you are gonna have to face that 'but'. Let me rephrase that in a more appropriate form. You're afraid. Afraid of what's to come. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid to take that leap. Afraid that you might not be prepared for the journey. Afraid that you might not be able to keep your head above water. Afraid of getting left behind, stranded and alone, in the middle of the Atlantic ocean without a life jacket on. You're just afraid.

And you should be. Yes, you should be afraid at first, but that's when your courage and curiosity grows, builds up and saves you from the depths of fear. Without you even noticing, your wings are already spread wide, ready to take flight.

Now you go ahead and get some sleep. It's already 4.

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